Monday, September 26, 2005

C'mon Georgie! Grow a pair!

Today, the President has encouraged Americans to conserve gasoline wherever possible. From the tone of this article, it sounds like he stopped just short of saying "Pretty please, with a cherry on top."

It is a little recognized fact that yours truly is actually Queen of the Universe. I try to keep a low profile. Noblesse Oblige and all that jazz. However, it is time that I fling off my cloak of obscurity and get down to business here.

The Queen of the Universe has issued the following edicts pertaining to energy conservation:

1. All speed limits will now be strictly enforced and fines will be doubled, with the second half of the financial penalty going towards Gulf Coast reconstruction efforts.

2. Anyone caught speeding in an SUV will face quadruple fines.

3. All Hummers will be immediately confiscated and sent to Iraq. The driver has the choice of enlisting and accompanying his/her Hummer to Mesopotamia, or performing ten years of community service by transporting the Queen of the Universe around in a rickshaw. (Doesn't matter if driver of said Hummer was speeding or not. Those beasts just piss me off.)

4. No left turns for fast food. If there's a Burger King on the left and a McD's on the right, you're having a Quarter Pounder goddammit. No more holding up traffic just for the sake of burger preference. You're killing yourself anyway. Get out of my way.

There you go, my loyal subjects. Clear guidance on how to conserve gasoline. That's what leadership is all about. I'm here for you.

1 comment:

Jenny E said...

Darn, I wanted one of those older Hummers the army didn't want anymore for me a 4-wheeling rig. Oh, well, they have a chevy motor, didn't want it that badly anyway. I'll stick to my big ol' Ford truck (which runs on diesel, and I break the law by putting in the cleaner burning, better fuel milage, cheaper than the pump, farm diesel)