Seriously?

Yes, that's a pair of size 2 jeans with a tummy control panel, on the rack at our local Target.

Seriously, Target? Are you actually trying to convince women who can fit into a size TWO that their physiques are still not adequate, and must resort to a 21st century built-in girdle to suck it in? Seriously?

Parenting tip of the day

When your temper-throwing toddler is using his grandfather's cane to whack the merchandise at Sam's Club, forcing my elderly parents to jump out of the way lest they end up needing a cane themselves, it isn't cute. You most certainly do not have the situation under control. And yes, I am absolutely justified in throwing you my iciest, most judgmental stare.

Deal with it.

Someday, you'll thank me.

Irony Alert!!!

Well, let's see what came in today's mail!

Oh, goodie! Coupons!

Let's check them out!

We've got a coupon for 10% off all food and non-alcoholic beverages at the local Applebee's. Hmmm. The diligent folks behind "Eat This, Not That" give Applebee's a big, fat "F" for nutrition. Let's file that coupon in the circular file, shall we?

What's next? Ooh, it's a coupon for Texas Roadhouse! Specifically, it's for a free "Baby Blossom" with the purchase of two entrees. Hmmm, take a perfectly innocent onion, bread it and deep fry it into oblivion? No thanks. Little coupon, you may join your friend in the circular file.

And finally, a discount coupon for Ninety Nine restaurant. Never heard of it, but it looks like yet another chain specializing in breaded, deep fried, additive-laden crap. Let's make it three for three in the toss pile.

The irony in all of this is that these coupons were sent by our .. wait for it .. our HMO!!

I think they're trying to kill us with kindness. Either that, or they're in cahoots with big pharma. Maybe both.

Can I get an Amen?!?!?

So, I attended a bridal shower today, and it will take me several days to recover from this event. No, I'm not hung over. In fact, I didn't have a single sip of wine. By recover, I mean the shaking off of the toxic sludge which the Wedding Industrial Complex oozes by the gallon.

I found this piece in today's Globe and Mail to be timely and completely in synch with my feelings on the subject of grand weddings.

If I may be so bold, I'd like to quote the author, Leah McLaren:

The thing that has always shocked me most about many newly engaged couples is the level of pretense required to fit into the Hallmark-approved idea of romance.

This starts with the proposal, in which he "asks" and she pretends to be "surprised." Then there is the engagement, in which she becomes suddenly obsessed by trivialities like napkin colours while he rolls his eyes indulgently and makes lame jokes like: "Just tell me where to show up."

Then there is the social permission it gives otherwise sane, polite people to behave like spoiled celebrities, the ridiculous, narcissistic "princess-for-a-day" clichés and finally the unfettered materialism that turns so many otherwise happy celebrations into garish cake shows.

Suffice to say, I have some issues - not with all weddings (I have been to some very nice ones), but with the ghastly wedding machine.

Amen, Sister Leah.

A-frikking-men!

This type of partying needs to go out of style

After the ball drops
Forty-two tons of garbage
Remain on Times Square

The same old, same old
Foolish, selfish "reverie"
Choking Mother Earth

Cracker Barrel = Liberal Haven???

After I got home from work on Tuesday morning, we drove down to the local fire station, where Steve pulled the lever for Obama. Although I am not an American citizen, I am married to one and I am the mother of one. I felt that it was important for my son to share in the experience of this historic occasion.

Afterwards, we went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. For my readers who are not familiar with this establishment, it's a very folksy, country style restaurant. It also has a gift shop filled to the rafters with kitchy nostalgic items. It's the last place on earth that I expected to encounter opposition to California's Proposition 8.

Yet .. there it was .. a political statement .. clear as day, in red and red!



These guys are clearly in love, and it's a beautiful thing.

If Cracker Barrel has no problem accepting a same-sex couple feathering their nest together, then I must ask: California, what's your effing problem???

Better to be silent and let people think you're a fool ..

.. than to open your mouth and erase all doubts.

A few years ago, Jan Wong of The Globe and Mail went "undercover" as a maid in Toronto to gain first-hand experience as a minimum-wage worker in Toronto.

She described the mess left for her by one "nouveau riche" family, including the nastiness that was the child's bathroom, and speculated on the correlation between the slovenliness of the patriarch and the large waistband of the underwear which she was required to iron for him. The family was never identified in the article.

The family, however, recognized themselves, and are now suing Jan Wong and The Globe and Mail. They are claiming "significant embarrassment and mental distress" and seem to think that $50K will be an appropriate salve for their wounds.

It seems to me that they just confirmed their sloth and stupidity to the world.

Why don't they just get some sheep?

I've never been to Canton, Ohio, but I'm sure it's almost heaven. They clearly have eradicated all forms of violent crime, because they have turned their focus to shaggy, unkempt lawns.

That's right, citizen. Letting your grass grow beyond eight inches is a fourth degree misdemeanor. The second offense can bring a $250 fine and 30 days in jail.

Just, wow.

The city says it is spending over $200,000 each year to deal with the derelict lawns. I'm no genius, but it seems to me that this "problem" could be turned into a money maker if the city invested in a small flock of self-propelled, automatic fertizing mowers aka sheep. Their wool could be auctioned off each year to manic knitters like me.

I know, my utopion vision is a little crazy, but I don't think it's as insane as this incarceration nation that we've become.

Non-sequitor of the day

Observed in the parking lot of the Commissary at Fort Drum this morning:

A big black SUV with one of those Christian Fish symbols.

(Okay, that's completely normal around here.)

Above the fish was one of those nasty stickers of the little boy peeing on a number. In this case, I believe it was #24, whoever that is.

I'm no longer a devout or even a practicing Catholic, but I'm pretty sure that Jesus wouldn't like those contemporary mannikin pis stickers.

Et tu, CBC?

I was listening to CBC Radio One before I got out of bed, and heard the news of Ms. Britney Spears' latest trip to a health care facility.

First off - I hope that Ms. Britney finally gets the help that she so desperately needs. I hope that the interventions and/or high-potency pharmaceuticals that she will receive are effective. And I hope that their efficacy is not immediately negated by the psychotic paparazzi the minute she goes back home.

But .. oh, you silly people at the CBC! Have you forgotten that you are the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation? If I wanted slime in my morning coffee, I'd watch Fox News or listen to Howard Stern.

It's a conspiracy, I tell you!

I have a secret.

A rather embarrassing secret.

I developed an intense interest in, of all things, the Miss America 2008 pageant.

I was captivated by one contestant: Miss Utah, Jill Stevens. Or, as she is known in some circles, Sgt. Stevens.

Sgt. Stevens has served in the Utah National Guard for the past six years. She is a combat medic who proved her mettle in a one-year deployment to Afghanistan. She also has a Bachelor's degree in Nursing from Southern Utah University. She has completed twelve marathons, and is a certified fitness instructor. She is also stunningly beautiful, with or without makeup.

She made it into the final 16 as "America's Choice", but was eliminated from the competition after the "fitness" portion of the pageant.

'Scuse me? The marathon runner and certified fitness instructor didn't meet the pageant's "ideal" for fitness?

Miss Utah took the news with grace, class and a touch of spunky charisma. When her name was called, she dropped to the stage floor and hammered out a round of pushups.

HooAH!

Quote of the day

"Whatever your taste in music or news, it is difficult not to wonder why those who know her - from family members, staff, doctors and lawyers, to her management, fans and even her casual observers - have allowed her life to essentially become one long snuff video."

Siri Agwell on Britney's Public Meltdown, in Saturday's Globe and Mail.

An open letter to the mainstream media

You're pissing me off.

Forgive the profanity, but there is simply no other way to express my disgust for you these days.

I am an intelligent, busy woman, trying to stay on top of current affairs. You - and I'm pointing my finger at all of you in the press - are making it very difficult for me. Your obsession with the trivial and inconsequential has even tainted my dreams.

Last night, I dreamt that I was floated over to the Inpatient Mental Health Unit, where I was tasked to care for Ms. Britney Spears. How could such a notion have entered my psyche? Again, I point my finger at the so-called serious news outlets. I don't read the tabloids. I don't even have a television. And still .. and STILL!! The trials and travails of Ms. Spears are always in my peripheral vision.

Can't you serious news types see that this woman is very, very sick? Don't you understand that the constant blitzkrieg of the paparazzi is making things even worse? Why do you feed into this collective psychosis?

Leave that poor woman alone! Her antics are not newsworthy. They're just sad, and you are pathetic for putting them on the front page.